America’s top health official has discovered a revolutionary diagnostic technique called “looking at kids in airports.”
As reported in The Independent, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — whose medical credentials include having “about 70 of cousins” – announced he can spot “mitochondrial challenges” or “inflammation” in passing children.
“I’m looking at kids while I walk through the airports today, as I walk down the street, and I see these kids that are just overburdened with mitochondrial challenges, inflammation, you can tell it from their faces, from their body movement, and from their lack of social connection,” he told Texas Governor Greg Abbott yesterday.
During the Texas press conference, Kennedy demonstrated his supernatural ability to misread both medical statistics and basic reality. He claimed 38% of teenagers have diabetes or pre-diabetes, which is only off by 37.65%.
His qualifications for this medical clairvoyance? Growing up in a big family where apparently nobody had diabetes, food allergies, or autism. Of course, he was zonked on heroin for a decade-and-a-half, which may have dulled his powers of observation a bit.
The terrifying part isn’t that our nation’s top health official thinks he’s Doctor Strange minus the medical degree – it’s that he’s using this supernatural diagnostic method to shape actual public policy.
Watch out, med schools – your entire curriculum just got replaced by “staring intensely at children in airports.”
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