In a meeting that combined the scientific rigor of a flat Earth convention with the intellectual depth of a graphene monolayer, Donald Trump and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. joined forces to announce their theory on the “real” cause of autism, dismissing decades of research pointing to genetic factors.
“There has to be something artificially causing this, meaning a drug or something,” declared Trump, whose medical advice includes injecting bleach to cure COVID-19.
RFK Jr., who is controlled by a parasitic worm in his brain, promised a full report by September. He would get to it sooner, but there are a lot of dead bear cubs to leave in New York City’s Central Park.
The undynamic duo expressed shock at rising autism rates, displaying the same understanding of statistical analysis as a capybara has of quantum physics. Experts point out that better diagnostic criteria and increased awareness explain the trend, but why let facts ruin a perfectly good panic?
“My opinions about vaccines are irrelevant,” Kennedy said in a May House hearing. “I don’t want to seem like I’m being evasive, but I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.” Comforting words from the Health Secretary of the United States.
Previously:
• Photographer spills tea on nightmare photo shoot with RFK Jr: ‘My experience was at the top of the worst I’ve had professionally’
• Congress and RFK Jr seek to prove the organ harvesting conspiracy theory is true
• RFK Jr investigated for beheading whale with chainsaw
• Kennedy’s former nanny speaks out about alleged groping in family home
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