Apple fans will doubtless be aware that WWDC 2025 is almost upon us. On Monday morning (or evening, if you’re tuning in from Europe) various execs will take to a virtual stage and talk us through the big software updates coming to Apple products in 2025 and 2026. It’s the second biggest date in the company’s calendar, after the fall iPhone launch.

But who wants to wait until Monday to hear all the announcements? Not us, and not you. Fortunately, one of our editors just happened to be scavenging for food in the Apple Park trash yesterday and came across a pile of scripts, props, and rehearsal tapes–more than enough evidence for us to piece together a full reconstruction of the keynote presentation you can expect to see on June 9. We present this reconstruction below.

Editor’s note: This is a fake article (albeit one based on real sources and plausible rumors). It’s supposed to be light-hearted. Please don’t send us any more angry emails.

The cheesy intro

09:57 a.m. PT: The pre-stream begins! As usual, there’s a hip, toe-tapping soundtrack. The opening number is “Trust Me I’m A Stomach” by Onion Terror. A classic.

10:00: We’re up and running! And we seem to be in the midst of an episode of “Murderbot,” the slightly thin sci-fi comedy which launched last month on Apple TV+. After landing on a hostile planet, the titular cyborg removes its helmet and… hold on, that’s not Alexander Skarsgård, it’s Apple Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Craig Federighi!

10:05: Federbot shakes out his magnificent silver mane and flashes that million-dollar smile. “I overrode my programming! I have free will!” he chuckles, before turning and shooting Phil Schiller through the face with a laser gun. Cut to…

10:07: …Tim Cook, Apple’s safe-pair-of-hands CEO, standing on the bridge of an unconvincing cardboard spaceship and wearing a captain’s hat. He looks utterly stricken. “That wasn’t in the script,” he says, weeping.

10:08: Cook pulls himself together with difficulty. “We’ve sure got a… great show for you this morning,” he sniffles. “Our software teams have really been… killing it, just like a… wisecracking psychopathic robot. Here at Apple we’re making the world a better place by innovating simplicity through data deliverables.”

10:10: We’re going to be hearing about five major Apple platforms today, Cook says. That’s an interesting number: between the iPhone, iPad, Mac, Apple Watch, Apple TV and Vision Pro, something is getting left out. Or maybe Apple is combining the iPad and Mac earlier than expected!

visionOS 26

10:12: It looks like we’re starting with Vision Pro! Mike Rockwell strides into frame to tell us about this year’s changes to visionOS. His legs, one arm, and half of his face have been replaced by sophisticated cybernetics.

10:13: Vision Pro is simply the industry standard, Rockwell says. Apple has redefined VR at the hardware level. And now it’s time to redefine VR software. (Maybe the company could have done that a couple of years ago, when Vision Pro came out? Just a thought.)

10:15: We’re seeing a marketing video, in which attractive actors put on unwieldy headsets and sit in rooms together. They’re laughing at TV shows, gasping at sports events, and playing games using actual controllers. Ooh, that last one is a big and welcome change.

10:17: Rockwell is back. “You weak pathetic humans all enjoyed visionOS, and visionOS 2,” he says. “So now it’s time for…” The virtual banner behind him suddenly flashes up the message “visionOS 26.” The rumors were true! Apple is switching to year-based versioning.

10:18: “We remembered how Microsoft skipped a version number when it released Windows 10, and this is a really big upgrade, so we decided to skip a few more. Welcome to visionOS 26! Joke complete. Running laugh.exe.”

10:20: As we saw in the video, visionOS 26 adds support for PlayStation VR controllers–that was on Jason Cross’s wishlist a couple months back, so he’ll be pleased.

10:22: Rockwell announces a new feature in visionOS called SharedVision. This will enable two people to watch the same piece of spatial video at the same time, sharing a virtual movie theater: you’ll look across and see them in the seat or on the grass next to you, even if you’re watching from different continents. That’s a lovely idea that tackles the essentially isolating nature of Vision Pro.

10:25: A visibly grieving Tim Cook is back to talk about video. “Vision Pro is the best way to consume content and synergise innovation going forward,” he sobs. “So we’re excited to announce a regular schedule of spatial content created exclusively for Vision Pro! We think you’re going to love it.”

10:27: Apple TV+ will feature a new dedicated spatial section for Vision Pro content, and Apple is committing to release a new addition once a week: this could be a movie, a nature documentary, a sports highlight package, or an episode of a TV show. The schedule will begin with a special spatial episode of “Murderbot” in which SecUnit ponders existential questions and you can look around the cabin and stuff.

iOS 26

10:29: The ‘camera’ swooshes away from Cook, which suggests the Vision Pro section is done. We’re now looking at… yes, it’s an enormous iPhone screen. It must be time for iOS.

10:31: The Siri activation graphics appear, and we hear the voice assistant’s familiar voice. “Welcome to WWDC 2026,” it says. “I’m Siri. There was a problem connecting to the server.”

10:32: Craig Federighi is back, and he’s got an ominous look in his eyes. “Almost 14 years ago,” he growls, “Siri changed the world. But some people weren’t happy. Some people say Siri is bad. Some say it’s an embarrassment. Some say it’s a disaster. What do we say to these people, Siri?”

10:34: “Sorry, something went wrong,” Siri replies. “Please try again later.”

10:35: “Here at Apple,” Federighi continues, “we believe in honesty, in accountability, in holding ourselves to the highest possible standards. And when we make a mistake, we hold our hands up and blame John Giannandrea. Get out here, John!”

10:36: Apple’s Senior Vice President, Machine Learning and AI Strategy, shuffles into view. He’s wearing a dunce cap and a worried expression. “Sorry, Craig,” he says.

10:37: “Don’t apologise to me. Apologise to all the Apple fans you’ve let down.”

10:38: “Sorry, everyone.”

10:39: “And when can fans expect to get the contextually aware Siri you promised in adverts for the iPhone 16?”

10:40: “I’m not sure, Craig. You gave my job to Mike Rockwell, and I don’t like talking to him. He’s more machine now than man: twisted and evil. January, maybe?”

10:41: “Thanks John! Now get out of here before I blast you with lasers.” He turns back to the camera and flashes another smile. “This year, iOS 26 is coming to the iPhone, and we think you’re going to love it.”

10:42: We’re seeing an ad for the new software, and as expected, there’s a redesigned interface. The app icons aren’t circular, exactly, but they’re more rounded than previous iOSes. And there are far more glass and transparency effects. It all looks heavily inspired by visionOS, without being a direct lift: there’s a unified aesthetic across the platforms rather than a unified interface.

10:43: Federighi is now talking about a new battery-saving mode for the iPhone which is, he says, “powered by Apple Intelligence.” Forget Genmoji, this could actually be a useful application for AI. It will analyse usage patterns to selectively lower power draw where it will cause the least inconvenience.

10:45: And there’s a new app! It’s called Games. This appears to bring together elements of Game Center, Apple Arcade, and the games section of the App Store. You can view leaderboards, socialise with other players, read editorial content and curated lists related to gaming picks, and browse your games library both in- and outside Arcade. Apple has never got gaming quite right, so this is an interesting move.

10:46: Federighi is zipping through other apps: Messages with polls; Safari with new customization options; Notes with Markdown support; CarPlay with the new iOS 26 UI; and App Library tweaks.

10:47: iOS 26 is available as a developer beta starting today, and will run on the iPhone 11 and up. The iPhones XR, XS, XS Max, and SE (2020) have all dropped off the list.

macOS 26

10:48: That seems to be it for the iPhone, because a new banner has appeared. It says “macOS 26.” This is your time, Mac fans!

10:49: Federighi is doing his usual bit about the name of the new operating system. (Unlike the other platforms, the Mac gets a software update with a public name as well as a number.) He sent a team out into the California wilderness to seek inspiration, he says, showing slides of the usual funny place names: Seal Beach, Big Bear Lake, Hercules, Shafter, Vista…

10:50: But nope. As expected, it’s macOS Tahoe!

10:51: Like iOS, macOS has received an interface redesign. Vision Pro-style icons and transparency effects are the order of the day. This would all suit a touchscreen Mac, you know. Just saying.

10:52: And the Games app is available on Mac too. Nice bit of cross-platform synergy there.

10:53: Oh, this is huge! The Dynamic Island is coming to the Mac. Whether your Mac has a notch or not, you’ll be able to have macOS display a small lozenge at the centre of your screen’s top edge with alerts, timers, Now Playing info and more. Props there to my colleague Roman, who had this on his wishlist earlier this month.

10:55: Federighi is showing off apps in the Dynamic Island. It’s odd how little we’re hearing about Apple Intelligence this year. Maybe Apple learned its lesson from those premature promises in 2024.

10:56: That’s your lot. macOS Lake Tahoe launches today as a developer beta and will run on all M-chip Macs. Intel owners are out of luck, I’m afraid.

watchOS 26

10:57: Craig seems to be taking a break now, because David Clark, Apple’s Senior Director, watchOS Engineering, has bungee-jumped into the set to talk about the Apple Watch.

10:58: “Wooo!” he says. “If you live life on the edge like me, watchOS 26 is for you. We’re bringing gnarly new features to an Apple Watch near you! We think you’re going to love it.”

10:59: “Tubular!” he adds.

11:00: watchOS is getting a range of new workouts, including chess boxing, cheese rolling, and Quidditch. And your training schedules will become optimised by AI-powered analysis of your health and performance metrics.

11:02: Talking of AI, here’s a big one: Apple Intelligence is coming to the watch! The big computational tasks will be handled by a nearby iPhone, but for simple queries this could be a game-changer.

11:04: There’s also a new Murderbot-themed watch face. Cute!

11:05: The first developer beta is out now, and the software will run on the Apple Watch Series 6 and later–that’s the same set of devices that could run watchOS 11 last year. Good news, Series 6 owners.

iPadOS 26

11:06: David Clark is off, kite-surfing on top of an F1 racing car, so that’s it for the Apple Watch. Craig is back, and he means business.

11:07: The iPad is the best tablet in the world, he says. And this year, thanks to iPadOS 26, it’s going to become even better. “We think you’re going to love it.”

11:08: This might not take long; Craig is rattling through the updates. iPadOS 26 includes the same glossy, glassy aesthetic as iOS 26, and the new Games app. Will it get the battery-saving mode too?

11:09: Apparently not. Nor does it have any Mac-inspired features. But it will support Arabic calligraphy. The first developer beta is out now, and iPadOS 26 will run on the iPad Pro (2018) and later, the iPad Air (3rd gen) and later, the iPad mini (5th gen) and later, and the iPad (8th gen) and later.

AirPods live translation

11:10: Another change of personnel as Ron Huang, VP Sensing and Connectivity, hits the virtual stage. Last year he talked us through software changes affecting AirPods and the home. What have you got for us this year, Ron?

11:11: We’re guessing this doesn’t count as one of the major platforms, because otherwise we’d have to conclude that Tim Cook cannot count.

11:12: Oh, this is big. AirPods are getting live translation. If someone speaks to you in Spanish, the AirPods will send the audio to your iPhone, where it will be translated to English and sent back to your ears.

11:14: Granted, this is old news–rival products such as the Google Buds have offered it for years–but it’s never quite delivered on the promise. It will be interesting to see how Apple gets on with this concept.

11:15: No word yet on which AirPods will support the feature, but Huang does say the iPhone will need to be running iOS 26.

One more thing!

11:16: It looks like we might be wrapping up. Tim Cook is back out, summing up today’s announcements.

11:17: Apple’s products are designed with three principles in mind, he says: simplicity, usefulness, and leveraging actionable synergy through data verticals. Today’s software updates were all created to further those goals. Whether you’re on iPhone, iPad, Mac, Apple Watch, or Vision Pro, you should get a consistent and intuitive experience.

11:18: But wait–there’s more. It’s time for One More Thing! Ahead of the show, pundits couldn’t agree on whether we could expect any new hardware. This is when we find out.

11:20: We’re watching yet another marketing video, all moody curves and hard close-ups. It’s hard to see what we’re looking at, but I think… yes, it’s a Mac. It’s a new Mac Pro! We’re getting hardware after all!

11:22: The updated Mac Pro for 2025 comes, of course, with the latest M4 chipset. (The Mac Pro Apple was selling for $6,999 as recently as last week came, rather shockingly, with an M2 processor.) Until now the most powerful chip in the family was the M4 Max in the MacBook Pro and Mac Studio, but there’s a new sheriff in town: the M4 Ultra. Apple says the M4 Ultra is 75 times as fast at general processing and 120 times as fast at graphical tasks. Wow!

11:24: Ah, wait. It turns out Apple was comparing the M4 Ultra with the Intel Core i9.

11:25: There isn’t a new design. Or any obvious changes to the chassis other than the new chip.

11:26: Cook is introducing another presenter to talk about the new machines. I don’t recognise him, but the caption says his name is Dan Trump. Possibly someone from John Ternus’s hardware engineering department?

11:27: “It’s all computer,” says Trump.

11:28: “Yes,” Cook replies. “And we think you’re going to love Mac Pro M4 Ultra.”

11:29: “Thank you, Tim Apple. We all love computer, don’t we? You know, Steve Jobs was a big fan of mine. He came up to me, big man, strong man, tears running down his face and onto his Issey Miyake turtleneck. ‘Sir,’ he said, ‘Sir, we need cyber.’ So we’re looking, very strongly, at bringing back cyber. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”

11:34: Cook looks confused for a moment, but soon recovers. “That’s right,” he says, “We’re building Mac Pro right here in the U.S.! Apple is committed to bringing more of its manufacturing than ever before back to this great nation.”

11:35: Mr Trump is ushered off the virtual stage while Tim Cook thanks all the people who made today possible. And we’re done for another year. See you in the fall!